4 months since my last post, dear lord where has the time gone! So much for regular updates.
I’m glad to say things have been going well, I haven’t been too down. In fact as some of you may know, in my last post (Bravery) I said I had finally reached out for help.
For those who are wondering I did write my mum a letter, a transcript of which I will post later if anyone is interested.
Anyway it went well and she was very open. So I went for the assessment with CAMHS back in February (22nd) and the woman I spoke to was lovely, really non judgmental and she asked all the right questions.
A couple weeks later I had a call from her and she said that perhaps CAMHS were not the best next move for me, not that I didn’t need the support but because of my age. CAMHS will see you until you hit 18 and i’m nearly 18 so by the time I started therapy with them it would almost be time to say goodbye which I completely understood.
So then I went back to Signpost (they were Urban Access back when I saw them!) for an assessment as per CAMHS suggestion. I must admit I want a fan. The woman I saw was lovely but I just didn’t feel particularly at ease over it all. Anyway assessment came and went so I went on the waiting list….which was 4 months long….
I’m still waiting so we will see what happens…
I also had to do another tough thing which was speak to work….I was having a lot of time off here and there for appointments and such so I decided to come clean and oh my god I am so happy I did! They are so supportive of me and if need be will put steps in place that make things easier for me to handle if work starts affecting things which 99.9% of the time it doesn’t. But the offer and support is there.
They also arranged for me to see the Occupational Health Officer so she could assess me and stuff. She was lovely, i’ll be honest I was really nervous about meeting her. She just asked me the standard questions then wanted me to fill in a questionnaire thing about how you’ve been feeling over the past 2 weeks – hopefully you know what I mean! She said I came back with showing Severe Depression and Moderate Anxiety…which sounds about right. I also explained that I haven’t had a formal diagnosis of any kind of mental disorder and have never seen a psychiatrist – just counsellors. So she recommended seeing a Psychiatrist and will see me again if I get a diagnosis or if my symptoms become work impacting or if work impacts them.
I’ve made an appointment so see my doctor in a few weeks to see what she says.
I’ve also been on holiday! A nice 2 week break to Corfu with the family. It was lovely.
This is where the tone of the story will change a little so potentially a TW from this point.
All was going well until about 3/4 of the way through when all of a sudden my brain just snapped and I felt horrific. God knows how but I got through the rest of the holiday clean (20 days in total) so back to work hoping to god I pick up and get a little better.
Every day this week I’ve cut in some way. I have never actually felt quite so out of control. I cant concentrate on anything and my motivation is on the floor. And..I actually cut at work…and I’ve only ever done that once before. Again everyday this week I’ve cut at work. Not Fun.
Bless him my mentor picked up on my general feeling on Monday so we sat on Tuesday and he spoke to me at length just about what had been going on which was lovely of him. He’s been checking up on me the past few days too – I just hope I get out of this funk soon. It came at the worst time! I have so much work that needs doing but am striggling with it.
Ugh anyway I’m feeling a teeny bit better today which is good so hopefully its the beginning of the end.
NEVER LOSE HOPE GUYS!
Depression, Self harm and Anxiety are long roads which are not easy to navigate. It takes time and if you relapse don’t look at it as a negative. We all fall down but the important thing is to get back up. That is our strength. We are strong. We fall but we get up.
I love you all so so so much and as always if you need to talk drop me a line: firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m always around xx
So much love guys,
Stay Strong xxxxxxx
The Listener x