It’s been a while…

Hi everyone,

4 months since my last post, dear lord where has the time gone! So much for regular updates.

I’m glad to say things have been going well, I haven’t been too down. In fact as some of you may know, in my last post (Bravery) I said I had finally reached out for help.

For those who are wondering I did write my mum a letter, a transcript of which I will post later if anyone is interested.

Anyway it went well and she was very open. So I went for the assessment with CAMHS back in February (22nd) and the woman I spoke to was lovely, really non judgmental and she asked all the right questions.

A couple weeks later I had a call from her and she said that perhaps CAMHS were not the best next move for me, not that I didn’t need the support but because of my age. CAMHS will see you until you hit 18 and i’m nearly 18 so by the time I started therapy with them it would almost be time to say goodbye which I completely understood.

So then I went back to Signpost (they were Urban Access back when I saw them!) for an assessment as per CAMHS suggestion. I must admit I want a fan. The woman I saw was lovely but I just didn’t feel particularly at ease over it all. Anyway assessment came and went so I went on the waiting list….which was 4 months long….

I’m still waiting so we will see what happens…

 

I also had to do another tough thing which was speak to work….I was having a lot of time off here and there for appointments and such so I decided to come clean and oh my god I am so happy I did! They are so supportive of me and if need be will put steps in place that make things easier for me to handle if work starts affecting things which 99.9% of the time it doesn’t. But the offer and support is there.

They also arranged for me to see the Occupational Health Officer so she could assess me and stuff. She was lovely, i’ll be honest I was really nervous about meeting her. She just asked me the standard questions then wanted me to fill in a questionnaire thing about how you’ve been feeling over the past 2 weeks – hopefully you know what I mean! She said I came back with showing Severe Depression and Moderate Anxiety…which sounds about right. I also explained that I haven’t had a formal diagnosis of any kind of mental disorder and have never seen a psychiatrist – just counsellors. So she recommended seeing a Psychiatrist and will see me again if I get a diagnosis or if my symptoms become work impacting or if work impacts them.

I’ve made an appointment so see my doctor in a few weeks to see what she says.

 

I’ve also been on holiday! A nice 2 week break to Corfu with the family. It was lovely.

 

This is where the tone of the story will change a little so potentially a TW  from this point.

 

All was going well until about  3/4 of the way through when all of a sudden my brain just snapped and I felt horrific. God knows how but I got through the rest of the holiday clean (20 days in total) so back to work hoping to god I pick up and get a little better.

No Luck

Every day this week I’ve cut in some way. I have never actually felt quite so out of control. I cant concentrate on anything and my motivation is on the floor. And..I actually cut at work…and I’ve only ever done that once before. Again everyday this week I’ve cut at work. Not Fun.

 

Bless him my mentor picked up on my general feeling on Monday so we sat on Tuesday and he spoke to me at length just about what had been going on which was lovely of him. He’s been checking up on me the past few days too – I just hope I get out of this funk soon. It came at the worst time! I have so much work that needs doing but am striggling with it.

 

Ugh anyway I’m feeling a teeny bit better today which is good so hopefully its the beginning of the end.

 

NEVER LOSE HOPE GUYS!

Depression, Self harm and Anxiety are long roads which are not easy to navigate. It takes time and if you relapse don’t look at it as a negative. We all fall down but the important thing is to get back up. That is our strength. We are strong. We fall but we get up.

I love you all so so so much and as always if you need to talk drop me a line: thatlisteningear@gmail.com

I’m always around xx

 

 

So much love guys,

Stay Strong xxxxxxx

 

The Listener x

 

 

 

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Bravery..

Hi Guys!

 

So its been a month and sad to say in that time there have been 3 self harm relapses. No matter, I’ve bounced back stronger and about a week ago I did something brave, really brave.

I took my doctors advice and completed an online self referral form to my local mental health specialists. They called late Friday afternoon and we had a chat on the phone about various things like what did I specifically want help for etc. We briefly talked about the methods I used to self harm and he said he’d get me an assessment from CAMHS so I’m expecting that through over the next week. Then we’ll see what happens from there! He seems to think CBT is the best way forward.

The good news is I can attend that assessment alone! However I do get I will need to go over this with my mum at least but I’m not sure how. I think I’ll wait until I have the letter then we can sit down and go over it. I’m just unsure as to how much detail to go into….I don’t want her to think I’m nuts again. But saying that we have been getting on a lot better lately which is a plus!

Aw Heck, you know what I’m just going to come out with it when the letter comes, all secrets come out in the end so it’s better it comes from me right?

I’m scared I’ll admit but its time to get the mess that is my head sorted out now, its been going on too long.

 

Anyway that’s all from me for now! Remember I’m here for all of you: thatlisteningear@gmail.com

 

Love to all of you,

The Listener xxx

Life Update

I honestly don’t know what to write. This could end up incoherent. But I haven’t written anything for you all in a while and I am sorry for that. I’ve just been busy…

 

Well, here goes nothing.

 

So earlier on I just randomly decided to read through some of my posts, granted there aren’t many but that’s not the point.

Anyways I scrolled right back to my first post, My Story. Reading it brought back memories, some good some bad. I remembered my time at school and some of the Sunflowers that made the time enjoyable and of course I remembered al the bad things that happened years ago….now normally that would have left me in a dark place and I would have ultimately self harmed. I’m pleased to say I didn’t – In fact I haven’t harmed (via lighter/cutting etc) for about 3/4 months which I am so pleased about. I do still suffer from Pica but I have come to accept that it will never go away, I’ve been doing it for far too long.

Now the past few months have been mad, health wise, emotionally, mentally – you get the idea, but I’ve thrown myself into life, I don’t know why but I just did. I’ve thrown myself more fully into my job (I’m an IT Apprentice) which I really enjoy, it can be stressful at times  but hey, so can everything else! You’ve just got to take it on the chin. I’ve been on more trips to the theatre with some close friends who have in fact been in a much worse state than me. Being with them makes me see how far I’ve come and enables me to, in turn, help them even more.

I just feel so much happier in myself, its bizarre but I really like it. I feel different. I don’t know what brought it on but I really feel better. So looking back at that story I wrote 6 months ago about events that happened a year ago seem like a distant memory.

 

Don’t get me wrong there are still hard, dark days but I feel stronger. I feel like I can kick some ass and be who I truly am.

I have my little car (still haven’t passed my test yet!) but we’re hoping that I could be ready for my test in February which would be amazing if it happened. Freedom woo! Saying that I’m not really restricted in where I go but I do feel like a pain having to ask the parents to take me places or relying on the horrible thing called public transport.

I get on with my family so much better, normally me and my mum couldn’t be alone together for 10 minutes without a row but now we sit and chat, paint our nails, watch movies – its actually quite fun

I just felt I should share some of the feelings I’ve been having over the past few months.

I hope now this really is the beginning of a new era.

 

 

I love you all, thank you so much for the support.

Remember you can drop me a mail whenever you like – I’m always here for you guys (thatlisteningear@gmail.com)

All the best for the new year – you can be who you like. It’s a new chapter 🙂

I will do my best to post more now guys – thanks for sticking with me

 

~ The Listener xxx

happiness

Poetry

~

He walked up the steps… And stumbled inside…

Into the room at the top… Where the memory resides…

Of his pure innocence… Cruelly ripped away…

On a dark summer night… After a long hot day…

It’d started so brightly… Filled with endless love…

No hint of the evil… Descending from above…

In that room as he slept… And was quietly woken…

Subjected to such horrors… That left him just broken…

Unable to speak… And unable to smile…

It scarred him forever… His soul in exile…

Never spoken about since… Kept in secret & silence…

In fear that speaking out… May lead to violence…

So it was locked away… In a box labelled shame…

Forgetting the horror… Never speaking its name…

Moving on with his life… Smoothing out its creases…

Trying to live with it… And pick up the pieces…

But now he is back… After all those years…

Stood in that room… Holding back the tears…

With a knife in his hand… It’s time to submit…

Switch off his pain… And finally end it…

~ Copied from eyewillnotcry1973 (Go follow them!!)

My Apology… and a thank you

Hi Guys,

I just want to apologise for my lack of posting lately. I’ve got really low recently and just haven’t been motivated to do anything.

I’m hopefully going to see my Doctor next week so she should be able to help out.

Also I decided to take an autism test as my sister severely has it along with additional needs and I’ve often been told I might have it. So I took the test and it came back with there being an 86% chance of me having it to a moderate extent  so that’s a bundle of laughs – need to get that checked out too.

I’ve been self harming a lot more recently too which isn’t ideal, it being summer and all but there you go

There is one thing keeping me going – my semi colon

I have a semi colon drawn on the inside of my wrist in permanent marker – for those who don’t know the significance of this look up the Semi Colon Project – I’ll be writing a post about them soon along with a few other things I have in the pipeline.

So I just want to apologise again and also thank you all for sticking with me so far and remember – I’m hear to listen, tell me your struggles and problems and even if I can physically do nothing you’ll have my full support ( thatlisteningear@gmail.com)

Lots of love to you all 🙂

~ The Listener

Struggles…..

Life is a struggle,

Sometime just waking up is a struggle

Going through a day can be so draining yet no one understands

No one understands the pain we feel everyday, the fight we go through just to get though simple tasks. We feel like we’ve just gone 5 rounds with Mike Tyson.

To all those who judge us for being to harsh or not putting enough into some things, just remember, until you know our story you have no idea what we’ve been through just to get to where we are today.

Just to stand up and live is hard.

Give us a chance…..