It’s been a while…

Hi everyone,

4 months since my last post, dear lord where has the time gone! So much for regular updates.

I’m glad to say things have been going well, I haven’t been too down. In fact as some of you may know, in my last post (Bravery) I said I had finally reached out for help.

For those who are wondering I did write my mum a letter, a transcript of which I will post later if anyone is interested.

Anyway it went well and she was very open. So I went for the assessment with CAMHS back in February (22nd) and the woman I spoke to was lovely, really non judgmental and she asked all the right questions.

A couple weeks later I had a call from her and she said that perhaps CAMHS were not the best next move for me, not that I didn’t need the support but because of my age. CAMHS will see you until you hit 18 and i’m nearly 18 so by the time I started therapy with them it would almost be time to say goodbye which I completely understood.

So then I went back to Signpost (they were Urban Access back when I saw them!) for an assessment as per CAMHS suggestion. I must admit I want a fan. The woman I saw was lovely but I just didn’t feel particularly at ease over it all. Anyway assessment came and went so I went on the waiting list….which was 4 months long….

I’m still waiting so we will see what happens…


I also had to do another tough thing which was speak to work….I was having a lot of time off here and there for appointments and such so I decided to come clean and oh my god I am so happy I did! They are so supportive of me and if need be will put steps in place that make things easier for me to handle if work starts affecting things which 99.9% of the time it doesn’t. But the offer and support is there.

They also arranged for me to see the Occupational Health Officer so she could assess me and stuff. She was lovely, i’ll be honest I was really nervous about meeting her. She just asked me the standard questions then wanted me to fill in a questionnaire thing about how you’ve been feeling over the past 2 weeks – hopefully you know what I mean! She said I came back with showing Severe Depression and Moderate Anxiety…which sounds about right. I also explained that I haven’t had a formal diagnosis of any kind of mental disorder and have never seen a psychiatrist – just counsellors. So she recommended seeing a Psychiatrist and will see me again if I get a diagnosis or if my symptoms become work impacting or if work impacts them.

I’ve made an appointment so see my doctor in a few weeks to see what she says.


I’ve also been on holiday! A nice 2 week break to Corfu with the family. It was lovely.


This is where the tone of the story will change a little so potentially a TW  from this point.


All was going well until about  3/4 of the way through when all of a sudden my brain just snapped and I felt horrific. God knows how but I got through the rest of the holiday clean (20 days in total) so back to work hoping to god I pick up and get a little better.

No Luck

Every day this week I’ve cut in some way. I have never actually felt quite so out of control. I cant concentrate on anything and my motivation is on the floor. And..I actually cut at work…and I’ve only ever done that once before. Again everyday this week I’ve cut at work. Not Fun.


Bless him my mentor picked up on my general feeling on Monday so we sat on Tuesday and he spoke to me at length just about what had been going on which was lovely of him. He’s been checking up on me the past few days too – I just hope I get out of this funk soon. It came at the worst time! I have so much work that needs doing but am striggling with it.


Ugh anyway I’m feeling a teeny bit better today which is good so hopefully its the beginning of the end.



Depression, Self harm and Anxiety are long roads which are not easy to navigate. It takes time and if you relapse don’t look at it as a negative. We all fall down but the important thing is to get back up. That is our strength. We are strong. We fall but we get up.

I love you all so so so much and as always if you need to talk drop me a line:

I’m always around xx



So much love guys,

Stay Strong xxxxxxx


The Listener x





Hi Guys!


So its been a month and sad to say in that time there have been 3 self harm relapses. No matter, I’ve bounced back stronger and about a week ago I did something brave, really brave.

I took my doctors advice and completed an online self referral form to my local mental health specialists. They called late Friday afternoon and we had a chat on the phone about various things like what did I specifically want help for etc. We briefly talked about the methods I used to self harm and he said he’d get me an assessment from CAMHS so I’m expecting that through over the next week. Then we’ll see what happens from there! He seems to think CBT is the best way forward.

The good news is I can attend that assessment alone! However I do get I will need to go over this with my mum at least but I’m not sure how. I think I’ll wait until I have the letter then we can sit down and go over it. I’m just unsure as to how much detail to go into….I don’t want her to think I’m nuts again. But saying that we have been getting on a lot better lately which is a plus!

Aw Heck, you know what I’m just going to come out with it when the letter comes, all secrets come out in the end so it’s better it comes from me right?

I’m scared I’ll admit but its time to get the mess that is my head sorted out now, its been going on too long.


Anyway that’s all from me for now! Remember I’m here for all of you:


Love to all of you,

The Listener xxx

Life Update

I honestly don’t know what to write. This could end up incoherent. But I haven’t written anything for you all in a while and I am sorry for that. I’ve just been busy…


Well, here goes nothing.


So earlier on I just randomly decided to read through some of my posts, granted there aren’t many but that’s not the point.

Anyways I scrolled right back to my first post, My Story. Reading it brought back memories, some good some bad. I remembered my time at school and some of the Sunflowers that made the time enjoyable and of course I remembered al the bad things that happened years ago….now normally that would have left me in a dark place and I would have ultimately self harmed. I’m pleased to say I didn’t – In fact I haven’t harmed (via lighter/cutting etc) for about 3/4 months which I am so pleased about. I do still suffer from Pica but I have come to accept that it will never go away, I’ve been doing it for far too long.

Now the past few months have been mad, health wise, emotionally, mentally – you get the idea, but I’ve thrown myself into life, I don’t know why but I just did. I’ve thrown myself more fully into my job (I’m an IT Apprentice) which I really enjoy, it can be stressful at times  but hey, so can everything else! You’ve just got to take it on the chin. I’ve been on more trips to the theatre with some close friends who have in fact been in a much worse state than me. Being with them makes me see how far I’ve come and enables me to, in turn, help them even more.

I just feel so much happier in myself, its bizarre but I really like it. I feel different. I don’t know what brought it on but I really feel better. So looking back at that story I wrote 6 months ago about events that happened a year ago seem like a distant memory.


Don’t get me wrong there are still hard, dark days but I feel stronger. I feel like I can kick some ass and be who I truly am.

I have my little car (still haven’t passed my test yet!) but we’re hoping that I could be ready for my test in February which would be amazing if it happened. Freedom woo! Saying that I’m not really restricted in where I go but I do feel like a pain having to ask the parents to take me places or relying on the horrible thing called public transport.

I get on with my family so much better, normally me and my mum couldn’t be alone together for 10 minutes without a row but now we sit and chat, paint our nails, watch movies – its actually quite fun

I just felt I should share some of the feelings I’ve been having over the past few months.

I hope now this really is the beginning of a new era.



I love you all, thank you so much for the support.

Remember you can drop me a mail whenever you like – I’m always here for you guys (

All the best for the new year – you can be who you like. It’s a new chapter 🙂

I will do my best to post more now guys – thanks for sticking with me


~ The Listener xxx


Wishful Thinking

Sometimes I wish it would just stop…everything. It all moves too quickly. Those moments you want to hold onto and cherish are gone in a blink yet those mistakes you made or things you would rather forget, those are the things that hang around like a bad smell.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a remote control for your life… imagine…. being able to rewind to all the good bits, fast forward through all the not so good bits and when you needed a breather you could just hit pause.

I wish…

Wishes are funny things, something and nothing. Some people believe in wishes and fate, some people just get on with life no matter what. I think i’m one of the latter people, I like to get on with things and yet sometimes I wish that wishes really are real and really do come true, like something out of a fairytale. I used think life was one big fairytale and it would all end in ‘Happily Ever After’ and yet we all know that never happens. However sometimes people do write there own stories in life, they carve there own paths and change their own fate. They create their own ‘ Happily Ever after’

Nothing is given to us on a plate, we have to fight for what we believe in and work to achieve our dreams.

Nothing is impossible as long as we have hope…

All it takes is Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust – Peter Pan

Pixie Dust



He walked up the steps… And stumbled inside…

Into the room at the top… Where the memory resides…

Of his pure innocence… Cruelly ripped away…

On a dark summer night… After a long hot day…

It’d started so brightly… Filled with endless love…

No hint of the evil… Descending from above…

In that room as he slept… And was quietly woken…

Subjected to such horrors… That left him just broken…

Unable to speak… And unable to smile…

It scarred him forever… His soul in exile…

Never spoken about since… Kept in secret & silence…

In fear that speaking out… May lead to violence…

So it was locked away… In a box labelled shame…

Forgetting the horror… Never speaking its name…

Moving on with his life… Smoothing out its creases…

Trying to live with it… And pick up the pieces…

But now he is back… After all those years…

Stood in that room… Holding back the tears…

With a knife in his hand… It’s time to submit…

Switch off his pain… And finally end it…

~ Copied from eyewillnotcry1973 (Go follow them!!)

My Apology… and a thank you

Hi Guys,

I just want to apologise for my lack of posting lately. I’ve got really low recently and just haven’t been motivated to do anything.

I’m hopefully going to see my Doctor next week so she should be able to help out.

Also I decided to take an autism test as my sister severely has it along with additional needs and I’ve often been told I might have it. So I took the test and it came back with there being an 86% chance of me having it to a moderate extent  so that’s a bundle of laughs – need to get that checked out too.

I’ve been self harming a lot more recently too which isn’t ideal, it being summer and all but there you go

There is one thing keeping me going – my semi colon

I have a semi colon drawn on the inside of my wrist in permanent marker – for those who don’t know the significance of this look up the Semi Colon Project – I’ll be writing a post about them soon along with a few other things I have in the pipeline.

So I just want to apologise again and also thank you all for sticking with me so far and remember – I’m hear to listen, tell me your struggles and problems and even if I can physically do nothing you’ll have my full support (

Lots of love to you all 🙂

~ The Listener


Life is a struggle,

Sometime just waking up is a struggle

Going through a day can be so draining yet no one understands

No one understands the pain we feel everyday, the fight we go through just to get though simple tasks. We feel like we’ve just gone 5 rounds with Mike Tyson.

To all those who judge us for being to harsh or not putting enough into some things, just remember, until you know our story you have no idea what we’ve been through just to get to where we are today.

Just to stand up and live is hard.

Give us a chance…..

Everything has changed….

People change,

Feelings change,

Circumstances change…

Change is a part of life, we all grow up, get stronger or fall down. The thing is, that’s what makes us who we are, our flaws highlight our perfections. If we didn’t change where would we be? That 5 year old who is scared of the dark? What about all those wonderful things you’ve accomplished?

We are all perfect, yes we have our problems, yes we all fall down but we get back up, we shine. We stand tall in the face of problems.

We are our recovery.

We are our own person.

No one can change you.

Never be afraid of who you are 🙂

My Story *may be triggering*

So here we are, a year later. God how things have changed, for better and for worse.

A year ago today I was sitting in her classroom sobbing, I couldn’t see a way out. It was at this moment she found out about my struggle.

Let me give you a bit of background. I was 15 soon approaching my 16th birthday. I come from a wonderful family, a mum and dad, 3 siblings. It was a wonderful upbringing. But as most teenagers say I was different. I really was. I had a secret I had been carrying around with me since I was 11 and now it had all come to a head *fast forward to the wreck of a 15-year-old in her teachers classroom.*

It was my fault – I had been careless. Normally I was completely aware of my cuts and covered them well, even in sweltering heat. It was Tuesday 10th June 2014 and it was a hot day, especially in my black school uniform. So as I was alone I had taken off my blazer and rolled up my shirt sleeves. No one would see, I told myself, besides as I had already mention I was alone and there wasn’t a lot there just a few cuts nothing super conspicuous. Well that’s what I thought, until she called me from down the corridor. I responded with my usual smile, no matter how hard it was. She wasn’t my teacher, she was my best friend – I’m not sure you should say that about teachers but what the hell, I just did, get over it.

Anyway over the course of our general conversation about life, exams and our favourite topic – theatre (even though she was an English teacher) we had ended up in her classroom as usual. The conversation then went down a path I had never seen coming. What have you done? That one question accompanied with that look changed everything. I had forgotten – my sleeves were rolled up, I rolled them down quickly but the damage was done. She had seen. I did my best to deny all knowledge and come up with a good excuse but my brain turned to mush and she knew me too well to be fooled. Did you do this? I nodded, barely able to speak as tears threatened. The person who I trusted the most had just uncovered a dark secret – I self-harmed.

Sadness crossed her face along with a mixture of other emotions. I was stumped, I wanted to run away but I couldn’t. I was frozen to the spot. She didn’t say a word but shook her head for a moment – comprehending the situation. There was half an hour left until the bell so I knew I couldn’t get out of this if I tried. Then came another question – why?

Why? What a question. Now for those who don’t self-harm (and I am by no means encouraging it) it’s very hard to understand why someone would bring a blade to their skin or a lighter to themselves but I’m going to attempt to shed some light on that. If I was to give a full explanation then this would be a ridiculously long story so I’m going to abbreviate this as much as I can. When someone self-harms (and this is only from my perspective) they are numb, they cannot feel any form of emotion when they are doing it however once they make that first cut, or the moment that burning lighter comes into contact with the skin they feel relief. They can feel something! There is often so much conflict in their minds, so much emotional pain that by inflicting physical pain upon themselves makes them realise they are alive and as they are focusing on the physical pain they are currently enduring, it distracts them from the emotional pain they are feeling.

Now that’s my explanation as abbreviated as I could get it. Anyway – on with the tale.

Why? I simply shook my head as the first tear fell. I don’t know I responded. My head was spinning, I knew what was going to come next, it was the standard procedure. The Child Protection Officer for the school (in this case the deputy head who also happened to be my English Teacher) would be notified and they would evaluate the situation but ultimately my parents would be told at the first opportunity. I didn’t want that – my parents couldn’t find out, they wouldn’t understand. They didn’t need the stress, they already had enough on their plates with the 3 children, not to mention my Grandad (maternal side) had died of cancer the previous January (2013) so they were also dealing with that still and looking after my Nan. It was a secret I had wanted to keep to myself for the rest of my life or until I got better, turns out that wasn’t to be. She knew I was well aware of procedure however as she was genuinely concerned she wanted to understand why and see if there was anything she could do to help. All I needed at that moment was either the ability to turn back time or a box of tissues and a hug. Unfortunately I had to make do with the tissues – tears and black makeup do not mix well!

I did my best to explain in a coherent way but failed miserably. She didn’t push me she just sat there, telling me everything was going to be okay. Then came the hard part. She had to fill out an incident report or something along those lines and submit it to the relevant parties as soon as possible. She wanted to be as accurate as possible in her recount of the situation so the form was not finished until then next day. I refused to read through it – trusting her judgment completely, only now I wish I had read it but that’s the joy of hindsight. Anyway the deputy head was away training so the assistant deputy had a brief meeting with me to discuss what would happen next – when the deputy head was back (the following day) she would phone my parents. Another day passed and then judgment day loomed, Thursday 12th June 2014

Time had never passed so slowly. I was in fact doing my level best to avoid her, I knew she wouldn’t make the call without me present, the longer I could put it off the better. Of course fate intervened at the worst possible moment. I rounded the corner on the corridor as she came out of a room and she had already seen me. My office 10 minutes. I remember those words well, they were like a death sentence.

I ran back to my teacher’s classroom and with one look she knew it was time.

My feet were heavy as I climbed the stairs to her office, it felt like I was walking to my execution. I knocked on the door praying she wasn’t there, but she was. I was told to sit and with a look of concern she spoke to me, wanting to know why. Again I couldn’t explain and to be honest I didn’t want to. When she realised questioning me was getting her nowhere, she made the call to my parents.

I forgot to mention – we were going on holiday for the weekend, so if there could be a bad time for news like this to come out, this was it. Stuck with my family in a tent for 4 days with an elephant in the room could only end badly. The topic was never broached over that weekend and to be honest it never was. I was taken to the doctors the weekend after we got back but more on that later.

Once the call was disconnected she gave me some sort of ‘guide’ on self-harm, it was so unhelpful. I left the office quickly and went back to my teacher and cried. Apparently my parents had taken the news well but I didn’t know what they said after the call was disconnected and I dread to think.

The holiday passed – awkwardly but we got through it – and I was led to the doctors. She insisted on coming in with me but left the room after I refused to speak – I was never going to have that conversation in front of my mother, ever. But then even after she was gone I didn’t say much to my doctor even though I trusted her.

Fast forward a couple of months. Gradually I opened up to my doctor, while under observation my self harm stopped however I channelled all my emotions back into my eating disorder – Pica. It’s one of the lesser known disorders but it is just as important as bulimia and anorexia. An eating disorder is still serious and support is needed. I opened up about my past and to this day she still doesn’t know everything – no one does, but I’m going to tell you guys. I’ve learnt that telling your story can help not only you but others so here’s a glimpse into my past…..

When I was 11 I started secondary school, a big step in anyone’s life. I was a good kid, worked hard and I was in a lot of shows. At ones of these shows something happened. I was backstage before we began arranging some chairs for the performance when one of the guys started talking to me. We got on well and he helped me with the task at hand. Once we were done, he kissed me. It was my first kiss – I didn’t feel anything but it wasn’t right. He pushed me back against the wall and continued, I was frozen, I didn’t know what to do. His hand began to wander and he pressed himself against me. I managed to push him off before things could get out of hand. I was scared. At 11 years old I didn’t know what to do. I felt so guilty so told no one, not my parents, friends, teachers – no one. I thought it was a one-off but over time it began again and continued for years until one time he dragged me into the boys’ loos and tried to rape me. I kicked him and ran faster than my legs had ever carried me. Remember I was 13 years old. I didn’t know what to think, I thought I had done something wrong. I was scared of what people would say so I kept quiet.

It was during this time I got a boyfriend. My first official boyfriend. Everyone has that first crush in the playground but I thought this was the real deal. You’d have thought that after my last experience I would have been more careful. But I fell and fell hard.

It was great to start with, we kept our relationship a secret. Then about 2 months in things went wrong, really wrong. Again I was only 13 and had no idea what love was, as no 13-year-old does He started forcing me to do things I didn’t want to. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore and it worked – for a while.

A couple of months passed and I vowed never to become attached to anyone again. I had started to self-harm again during this time. I felt so alone. And then he came back – we were on a school trip and he pulled me into a dark corner and tried to kiss me and touch me. It happened over a course of school trips and then during school. Then he got my phone number from somewhere and kept hassling me.

I felt terrible – I felt dirty and used. I was a child. I didn’t know what to do. To this day it still haunts me and I’m still scared of getting into a relationship. I’m now almost 17 and this is still a secret. Until now. For you all reading this I hope you understand how hard this is to write. This is my coming out story.


I’m 17 years old. I have a job, I have a car. I’ve pulled my life back together. I’m still haunted by my past secrets, I still have black days. I still self-harm and my eating disorder is still prevalent. However I’m learning to cope.

Yes there are dark days but they will pass, I promise.

To whoever may be reading this please please know you are not alone. If you feel like no one will listen to you – I will. I’ll listen to your story, I’ll help you through.

I know you don’t want to hear it, I certainly didn’t but talking really does help. I have one friend who knows absolutely everything, she’s always there for me whenever I need her and I’m eternally grateful.

You need to be willing to open up to people, even just one, then they can help you, even just by listening.


Tips and a quote.

Fact Of The Day – 10th June 2015

Although self-harmers cannot always explain their reasons, psychologists believe that virtually all self-harm is caused by one of 4 motivations. These are the need to change the emotional state, the need to express something they feel they are not able to otherwise, the need to control something in their life’s themselves, and the need to punish themselves

Tip of the day 12th June 2015

It is important not to push yourself around emotionally. Do not force yourself to feel emotions you are not ready for or repress ones that you may be able to handle.


Helpful sites. – I’ve taken full advantage of their 1-1 chat service. I can’t express myself fully face to face. I feel safer behind a screen – These guys have given me insight into my eating disorder (pica) and have been a big help! – the quotes, tips and facts these guys have are amazing! One for everyday of the week.

If anyone needs to talk to someone, as I said earlier…. I’m here

Some beautiful quotes

“Still, you’re not alone. No one is alone ~ Into the Woods”

“No-one fights alone and losing is not an option ~ Richard Long”

“Let us respect others. No one lives alone in a city, a nation or a world ~ Thomas A Monson”

“It’s your road and yours alone. Others may be obliged to walk it with you, yet no one can walk it for you ~ Rumi

“You may feel alone for no one will ever completely understand how you feel. That is because each individual is unique, no two are like the other and this leads us to believe that we are all alone in the world. If everyone at some point in their life feels alone, then we aren’t really alone are we? Each person feels alone at some point, but because everyone does, it means that in actual fact, no one is alone. Think about it… ~  My best friend who will remain anonymous